I lied about my dad SA me when I was 14. He was verbally abusive and my mom said if she found out he put his hands on me or my siblings, she'd leave immediately. I thought it was the only way out. He got sick before I could say anything about the lie and he died without anyone knowing except my sister and a couple friends. Now everyone knows because of my mom and I feel like I tarnished his life even though he was abusive already.
I’m a pastor and I have a real struggle breaking free from p**n. No one knows. No one really knows me at all. They don’t want to really know me because I’m a “man of God” and we’re not really human after all. I’m filled with shame and I feel like a hypocrite and a total failure. I’m thinking about other job opportunities.
My mom bullies me and I felt so upset that I wrote about it in a journal. Literally the same day I find the page that I wrote on the fridge. Just tries to shame me in front of everyone
i feel like a burden to everyone and i think if i just left everyone and was alone forever no one would care - i think my presence is something no one enjoys and id i left forever i wouldn't be missed. i wish i didn't despise myself so intensely and i wish someone enjoyed the fact that i exist. i hate myself more than anything with a burning passion.
I said a thing in therapy a few weeks back that I didn’t mean to say but I think actually might be true:
At this point I’m not mad that I’ve been SA’ed, I’m mad that people protected those guys even though they were so profoundly mid and endlessly replaceable.
I was rare. I made you exponentially more money than he did and ever could. I showed up for you as friend, he didn’t.
I was and am worth more in every sense. Was it just easier to hope I’d forget than for you to do anything?
I was taking my daughter to school today and a woman was gossiping about a police officer using his phone. Her comment was that he was "Doing nothing, but I bet he would for some white folk. With all due respect". I think it's crazy how normalized racism is towards "white folk". We should all learn to love and accept each other equally. A bad cop is a bad cop.
The secret is that I always tried to smile everyday and my friends must say she's so happy and she must have the perfect family.
But deep down I'm F*cking scared to go to my house everyday...
I pray to god but it's feels like he doesn't hear me....
I am thinking of isolating myself again. I am over expecting from people in my life or maybe I am just expecting basics and they're failing at that. But I am paranoid. Either could be true. But fail-safe is isolation. Should I? I mean how many people would i confront to, isn't it? Rather keep myself away.