I don't know what to do anymore. I feel empty and meaningless, everything I have ever done was in hopes of filling some kind of void to get love or approval but now that I see that my desires are selfish and vapid, I have no motivation to do anything anymore.
Comment section
OP: Finally I want to say sorry to God because I don't trust Him. Everybody says that God wants good things for us but what I want is so opposed to what is right that I can't see a way that I will ever be satisfied with the will of God. My stubborn-ness and guilt will always keep me crushed and stunted, unable to grasp happiness.
OP: And now I see that my fetish is something that I can't change, and I keep on looking at p*rn and going to fetish "communities" because I don't think I will ever find love in the "real world". Still, I feel like this stuff makes me sick and ashamed of myself. I wish I was pure and innocent.